looking for&tracing-what is you.

I could trace the line a thousand times
and find new mistakes and ways to cry every time.
But what good does it do me, to relive what I can not keep-
or ever have again?.....
Answer; there is no good to it.
Except to remember the look on their face when they laughed or smiled.
To remember their quirky expressions that made me smile.
To listen to their voice again, when they spoke, when they cried, especially when they laughed or did their cute little dog impressions.....
To re-live...the good times I so much miss.....to re-live all my great times spent with them-
That I would do anything for........to have them again.......
To remember promises that I look forward to seeing if they will be kept.......promises that I also know have been broken.......
But how much longer until my Looking Glass breaks-
.....Until I can no longer see......
No Never. I will always look out my window, and see those times, see some of my happiest times See.....- Us.
The tears I cry now are not cold, not full of hate or regret.
But carry happiness at reminiscing, sadness that I don't have them, pain at what had happen, great pain at not knowing that all those things we had and have that makes me smile were all based on a lie that they told me....Now they turn into tears of confusion-
Did they lie to me? The whole time??
No part of me says. No....some of those moments....some of those things ........you just can't fake.......right??
But then another part says, yes. They did so much bad that you know for sure is true, who's to say that all those times......all those things that were said......all those things that were exchanged........were all lies.....to get to you........to me......??
I wish I knew the truth......then my decision would be so much easier......and this pain would be so much less......
I feel so much......you can not imagine....and it hurts that I will never know how much they lied to me.......how much of what they said was true...........or if their sorry is real.
But the more I trace that line, or look out the window of my looking glass-
I see both bad and good.
I always looked at the good in their hear that to this day I still see.
Always focused on that- Because I was too scared to the see the bad.....and now that I have......
I don't know.....
I know there's good........But how can I forgive them without knowing if that good was all one big lie??
How?
I cry; because I want them with me, near and close.
Because I want them to be happy, I want what best for them.
Because I want them gone, far far, so far away.
I feel so much at once. Its only a burden when they're not with me.....or speaking to me-
Or when the them and I just aren't together in some way.
Those are the only days it hurts.......
I don't want to wish bad......but I'm getting no good from this......
So many days......
Ive traced and looked......and have yet, to find my answer.......