Cant No More...

Wheres the me I love and knew?
This new attitudes not me...
I don't wanna feel like everyone else does-
Like they're better, just make themselves feel better.
I'm not that shallow, I'm better than that.
I want to feel good about myself the right way.
Not the easy way, like sooo many do now a days.
Where'd I go? that strong Gaby, with friends at her back, and care at her front, but a sword hidden just in case.
I need me back......but I don't know where Ive gone....
This whole situation has blown my life out of proportion and Ive lost myself in the process.
How could what they did to me.........Really affect so much of me, and my life.
Its CRAZY!
But true...........And I don't want it to be.......
No...please no more...........let things go back.
Rewind the clock.......what could I have done to stop this.........to change this.......
So that you'd be with me here now???.............

Broke my Heart, after I heard this song.
You told me you HAD been listening to......I think I got what you were trying to tell me.......








But that doesnt apply anymore....Right?
You no longer feel that way....Right?
My kiss no longer burns on your lips.....that kiss that was just for you....Only yours....My Face is no longer Painted on Your Heart.....Im starting to doubt it ever was to begin with....But it had helped....knowing that I wasnt the only one....But that's not the case any more.....hu?
Im no longer there.....in your heart......was I ever.....?........Right?

Stars

In Dreams, I see in the stars up above.
So high in the sky.
In my eyes, I can see the Future come true.
I can see what could of been, and what can be.
Sometimes, just wanna fly, get up there.
And run.
Watch the world fade away, feel my worries wash away.....
The stars, they speak.
They tell me dreams.
They come to me.
At night, when I cry.
When I think.
When I'm happy.
Or Just there.
They mark so many moments.
But I can see, what they mean.......
So much, and to me too.
They tell me what can unfold.......
They're the dreams I wish could be.
They're my memories long gone and come back to me.
They breathe for me when my air is gone.
And cry with me.
las estrellas, have always been there for me......
But who can I share this Fairytale with??
Tell me.....Who.......?

Trust

How could you be shocked that I have no faith in you?
I've even told you, "I never fully trusted you."
And after all the things I find out....How could you expect me to have any belief in you........
But wanna know a secret.........It kills me to say I don't......
I always wanted to trust in you.........Alexsis........But I knew I never could.......
And I guess it just scares me now........Knowing that I can.........and Knowing all that you did as well.......
The pains too much.......and Trust is something you just never earned,
you cried, and apologize-
But does that really make it all right?
I don't believe so.......You never gave me a valid reason to Trust you.......and you still really haven't.
Except for your word that you've changed. But after what you've done, How is your word worth anything??.....
You Haven't Changed.
You might be in the process. But the you I love, is always there.....
But in my eyes, heart, and mind.
Your always going to be intertwined with the memory of the way I feel now- Result from what You've done....
And I Hate to say that........I feel like a Horrible Person........For feeling these things.
I'm not used to seeing the worst in someone for so long.......especially not someone that I had always seen and looked for the good in, no matter what......Like you.
I did.
I truly did......
But look what I got in return.....But hey.......
Secretly.......I want to trust you.......
Even though you don't trust me, having no reason not to.
I still keep searching for the good in you.........it's just harder to see now..............

For da Only One Who'll Read dis.

So what do I gatta do?
To prove Im true??
I dont cheat.
Im DONE lying.
And I AM trying.
So what do I have to do?
To convince you-
That I need you.??
(I'll open my heart, go from the start, stop bein so mushy gushy,
I got pride, but Im not ashamed, to say these things. Believe me babe, I swear to you, on my grave-)
((no I should stop. Cuz this aint ganna matter......hu? You aint care bout me for too long now.....what am i doing? Why cant i just let you be.......You Got Me Stuck-Got Me Tripping. Goin Crazy. But I dont care. Cuz I think of way back when and it seems worth it. At times. And den it dont, at other times. Dang.lol...))

Will You?

There is a hole in my heart,
that Only Someone can heal.
Who will be that someone?

Sanctuary

Be my secret haven.
My little piece of relief.
My positive yes to peace.
Let me know you'll always be there when I need you.
When I fall and bleed you'll help me stand.
When I cry you'll hug me.
Be what I need.
Be what I want.
Be there.
That's all.
Don't be scared.
Because I will repay the favor, always.
I have no issue being there.
Being your strong arm, to pick when you fall,
smile when you cry,
or cry with you when you bleed-clean the cut and kiss da boo boo.
I want to be there.
Its my nature to want to give what I have, and I have a lot of love and care.
My friends and family I adore.
So be my Sanctuary.
Please....
I need one, to keep my heart safe from the world the wounds it so......
I don't wanna cry no more.....
Be My Sanctuary....
You wont regret it.
I Promise..

Tired

exsausted. beat down.
torn apart. and shattered.
There was a time when going to school was a haven; made me happy.
Because I had people to see, to look forward to.
But now those same people make me want to run.
Make me hate.
Make me want to die.
I want them gone!
I want these tears to end, and my soul to be free....
I dont want to feel like this.
Think I like feeling like I want to die, and want to kill?!
Well I dont....I used to always think I was the flawed one, and only me, now I see that
I am flawed and so is everyone around me....and I liked it better when I only had to fought with myself.
Rather than now, having to fight with everyone...
I Hate it.
I truly do.
Why cant they just play nice.?
Im put out, from these games.
All these stupid lil lame games.
Make me cry, make me bleed.
I dont want to see it anymore.
.....I just want....my friends back.....my life back in my control.
I just want.....I dont know.
I do, but then I dont.
Im just soooo tired....
Draging my body on charted grounds.
Reach depths uncharted, unmarked and unknown.
And its not Bliss.
ITS NOT!
And im tired.....oh so.....tired......

Tryin to move on,
tired of hangin on to _______.
"Dey aint worth it," they said.
"Forget em, you can do better," they told me.
But I sold me short.
Stopped me fast, for the first thing that showed me-
And it wasnt even real!
Hate em to the core, love em, still adore.
But I deserve more.
This loves not theirs anymore.
I got lots to offer, of this im sure.
But im not ganna play that stupid game anymore!
I wanna feel it, but for real.
But for now Im just happy being me.
But when it comes to me it better be-
Worth all the love I can give.

Dont Play Me!

So what has come to be?
things that come to me-
I cant believe, I dont ask to hear,
sometimes dont even wanna be near.
But it comes, I wont fight it,
but same mistakes i WILL NOT do.
Im not stupid.
Dont mistake my kindness for weakness.
I AM strong.
But i dont gatta parade it down the streets, im happy just being me.
Dont make me step out of character.
DONT ABUSE ME, STOP USING ME!
Who did I play to deserve this.?
I dont use people, because I know how it feels and would wish it
on No One.
Its not me.
If your a part of my life-Its For A Reason.
Dont be selfish tho.
Give back to me-What I give to you.
And we'll be just fine.
As long as you offer the best of you,-
Its all that I'll give back.
It's da Only Game I play.
If you dont know me, then it's cause you haven't earned it.
I keep my stuff quiet.
You wont know it, till I show it.
Not too many know how troubled I am.
Like two know how my mind works.
Outta 20 dat aint many.
But it's whatever, Im done trying to keep people.
People play with me, come to me only when dey need something I can offer,
but when I need them, they're always "busy," nowhere to be found.
So Im just ganna stick around, be around, be an Ass and your out.
Control yourself people, it aint that hard to have compassion.
Just remeber that others got feelings and "what goes around comes around."
But I'm not complaining,
people are acting cool-for now.
Just for future reference-
Im Not a Fool!

Announcement:

My Internets Out, BUT I'll still be posting, just not as often.
Just so you all know.

looking for&tracing-what is you.

I could trace the line a thousand times
and find new mistakes and ways to cry every time.
But what good does it do me, to relive what I can not keep-
or ever have again?.....
Answer; there is no good to it.
Except to remember the look on their face when they laughed or smiled.
To remember their quirky expressions that made me smile.
To listen to their voice again, when they spoke, when they cried, especially when they laughed or did their cute little dog impressions.....
To re-live...the good times I so much miss.....to re-live all my great times spent with them-
That I would do anything for........to have them again.......
To remember promises that I look forward to seeing if they will be kept.......promises that I also know have been broken.......
But how much longer until my Looking Glass breaks-
.....Until I can no longer see......
No Never. I will always look out my window, and see those times, see some of my happiest times See.....- Us.
The tears I cry now are not cold, not full of hate or regret.
But carry happiness at reminiscing, sadness that I don't have them, pain at what had happen, great pain at not knowing that all those things we had and have that makes me smile were all based on a lie that they told me....Now they turn into tears of confusion-
Did they lie to me? The whole time??
No part of me says. No....some of those moments....some of those things ........you just can't fake.......right??
But then another part says, yes. They did so much bad that you know for sure is true, who's to say that all those times......all those things that were said......all those things that were exchanged........were all lies.....to get to you........to me......??
I wish I knew the truth......then my decision would be so much easier......and this pain would be so much less......
I feel so much......you can not imagine....and it hurts that I will never know how much they lied to me.......how much of what they said was true...........or if their sorry is real.
But the more I trace that line, or look out the window of my looking glass-
I see both bad and good.
I always looked at the good in their hear that to this day I still see.
Always focused on that- Because I was too scared to the see the bad.....and now that I have......
I don't know.....
I know there's good........But how can I forgive them without knowing if that good was all one big lie??
How?
I cry; because I want them with me, near and close.
Because I want them to be happy, I want what best for them.
Because I want them gone, far far, so far away.
I feel so much at once. Its only a burden when they're not with me.....or speaking to me-
Or when the them and I just aren't together in some way.
Those are the only days it hurts.......
I don't want to wish bad......but I'm getting no good from this......
So many days......
Ive traced and looked......and have yet, to find my answer.......

Pretend-

Saw what I must do.
Saw what is right to do.
I must do what is right- for them.
Forgetting what I want is best.
Must be self-less.
And the hardest part of all......is letting go of the thing I want most.....
I've always said "life's not fair," and now I see that if it was-
we would never learn.
I want to be the best me I can be.
And I guess that takes sacrifices.....this will be a sacrifice I know
I will pay for, for a long while......But it's ok, right?,as long as they're happy because of it.?
Right?
I enjoy making others happy, Im cursed because I care too much-
I just never thought that when those two things met-.....
I'd be paying so dearly for it-or because of it?
If......pretending is what will help them-
Then pretend I forgot, I shall do.......Pretend It Never Happened.........
(they say if you love someone you'd do anything to make them happy.....)

Alone.

The feelings a mutual ghost that creeps inside you.
And lays there.
Consuming you.
In utter sadness and self-pitty.
Against your will.
Feeling like a stranger to the outside world.
Its as I feel Now.

Blogging

LATELY I HAVE BEEN POSTING ALL MY NEWER STUFF ON MY MYSPACE BLOG:
http://blogs.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.controlcenter
OR MY FACEBOOK BLOG.
SO U CAN GO THERE TO C MY NEW STUFF! ^_^
ALTHOUGH I TRY TO POST AS MANY AS I CAN ON HERE AS WELL.
THANKS FOR READING!! ^_^

The Fallen-

Here Comes the Army.
All dressed in Black.
We Call Them-
The Fallen.
They walk aimlessly,
With purpose-
To Find that Which they have Lost.
Heartlessly,
Broken.
They Search-
Here comes my initiation,
To Become one of the forever Lost.
One of the Forever Damned…
Scarred I stand.
Empty and Hallow as them I am.
But…Im not ready to go yet….
Because I carry what they do not-
Hope.
Hope for what I Won’t lose.
In Fear of Spending the Rest of Eternity,
Chasing it.
a Beautiful Lie-
yes.
But my Love I will carry,
Tired and Exhausted from the Pain.
But I Will Not Lose what I have come to Love.
No.
I will Walk on my Knees,
to the Black Gates,
see those Black Feathers Fall
from the Darkened Light in the Sky…
I will Knock on those Gates-
and Wake!
Finding that which has caused me my Trek,
Close to me,
At my side,
In my Arms.
In my Heart.
I Will Not Lose this Battle.
I Will not meet those Black Gates in
My Nightmare.
Because in that horrid dream
I Lose.
And if you Lose the War.
You Must Join the Army-
In Eternal Peril of Agony.
I Will Not Lose…
I Cant…

3/12/09