Dont do it anymore

She says

Dont do it

She whispers

Not Again!

She Crys

Damnit! No More!

Then Why Cant I stop...

I know

that you

no longer feel

those feelings anymore.

But I still feel,

everything.

I feel it all,

hate,

love,

want,

care,

despise,

dismise

the list doesnt end.

On and on,

I secretly cry,

worst part is...I cant tell no one why I frown.

But dont

misread me

I care for you,

and I care for her,

very strictly as Friends,

I KNOW how to separate friends from something else or more.

Something you believe I cant do.

Something I know you cant do.

(I just choose something more over friends, and for that Im sorry,

But I cant let go.)

I dont Hate you, such a strong word,

But I feel hate, something so very different.

I feel it but I know its not true,

Omg, there is just so much I want to say to you,

That I NEED to tell you,

Screams, Tears, URGH!

*Breathes*

But I know I cant, and probably never will...(because of you)

But you need to know, clearly, what your doing to me...

You single handidly ruined my life...Sad Part is I cant hate you for it...

Because I still love you so...

But I scoff, Spit on those words...

But it doesnt(/does) matter,

Because you'll, never get to know it anyways.

You have no time for others,

no time for me,

No time for me even as your "friend"...

Hope you see this all one day and realize what Im trying to say,

I pray that one day your open minded and understanding enough,

for this.

Peace Love Dats The End.

Opened Up

I know you care

I know you Dont.

.

.

.

You came into my life,

just like that, baby.

How can it be, that you just dont see,

Dont relize all that we could have,

should have been.

___ You were mine, I had you, I held you, baby...

you were mine...

And how it kills me to know...to see you, with her.

in her arms,

Knowing that the same lips that kissed me so sweetly now touch hers,

Sour thoughts.

Those wonderful, brave arms that held me so tightly...so warmly.

What do you see in her!?

Because I can be...three times more...

Baby...Please...Come back to me...

[Cant you see...How I yearn for yours-]

Lalala, this life I live

this lie.

(No.) Haha, how good I have it

because your blind.

Shh! Lol. Im fine. Hehe. Everythings great, Im so grateful.

Your trying to decive yourself.

No! My life is great! I have nothing to complain about!!

Quit lying to yourself.

I am not! ... Am I?

You are.

... *gasp*

Realization. *smirk*

I am.

*smile*

...I...I...

To Be Continued...

Your Going to Suffer...

Your Going to Suffer...

Suffer Gravely.

You cuss and mistrust me behind my back,

Laugh and insult me where I cant see, cant hear you.

Real Valiant.

But yet I KNOW all these things and yet I STILL try to save you,

Both.

Its a curse, and a gift I have,

to care and care too much.

I KNOW that both of you will suffer,

suffer so much.

You will want to commit suicide and the other will want to transfer schools.

Your both goin to be the death of each other.

Your going to cry, so much.

But both run their friends away and how Id love to be there when it happens,

to comfort and help them, both.

But Ive made a choice, No more them.

It will affect, I will pay for it, but its ok I put myself in front of the car as long as its helping/saving someone else.

You mock and hurt me And I STILL am determined to help you,

You going to Suffer.

Sooooo Much.

I don't want to see it happen,

I want to stop the crash before it occurs.

Hear me.

Damnit!

...

Suffer.

And when your on the floor crawling and no one will help you,

I will Still kneel beside you, pick you up,

dry your tears.

I who never judged you.

I who never abused your trust.

I, who when others would have judged you, only comforted your tears.

I who was always there for you no matter what.

I that you insult, and take for granted, would still pick your dying body up,

and heal you, never once rubbing it in your face that you messed up.

But its ok treat me as you wish, But know [and never forget] that I will always care

(and always have.)

So heed my words,

Please,

You Are going to Suffer...

More than you could ever imagine.

Fix it all?

If I just wave a wand and say POOF and make everything Perfect,

I would.

If I could just wish on a star and make everything Ive ever done wrong be gone,

[to wish all those I hurt, cured.

All those I made cry, spared.

All those I made angery, Happy.]

I would.

If I could just grab a wrench and tweak and fix all my imperfections,

TRUST ME

I would.

But I Can't.

Never say Never,

But I cant,

I really just cant...

God knows that with every day I feel the EXtreme guilt,

of what Ive done;

of all those Ive hurt.

I carry the pain,

of all those that have hurt me.

Everyday, I FEEL it,

Everyday, I HEAR the hate, like a broken record,

Everyday, I could [swear] I can TOUCH it, GRASP it;

The Horror, takes form, through me, In Me.

It moves, and runs,

Drives and swims,

Carrying Terror Throughtout every GoshDamn Vain and Essance of my body,

Dropping little Demons that Crawl throught my brain,

That leave little reels of tape behind,

So I can watch and relive the Horrid Terror again,

and again and again and again

and again and again

and...AGAIN!!!

....

But I make mistakes,

but the thing that seperates me from most others,

is that I Learn,

Yes, the hard way, Always the Hard Way.

But I learn,

and I Grow...

Sometimes, in the wrong direction...

But somehow...I Always make it to the light...

And I KNOW lifes Just begun..

And it Terrifies me, but...

I Am Brave,and I WILL Fight,

And Ill go through livin life best I can,

Stupid as I am.

So No,

I Cant Fix it all,

But I WILL try.

Just keep that smile on for me, with ur heart in full shine on it,

and Ill come around, and realize by someway how Effin Dumb I am, and how I cant quiet get the rights words out straight, right when its most important.

And somehow...Ill say the right things,

And Sometimes...Just Sometimes...

We Can Fix It All.

(And if not...Make Sure, you can say, You Tried.)

Well im glad Ive got someone for Valentines...
Just wish I actually liked/loved them...
But its all fake, he doesnt like me...right?
Well its only for a day....so it doesnt matter right???

well

Happy

Valentines...

anyways

Me.

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/simpleplan/untitled.html

http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/evanescence/lithium.html

Heres A truth...

Im way too tired

to pretending...

I just can no longer

lie...

to satisfy your needs...

Here you go, I "OPENED UP"

Hopeless,

Meaningless,

Forgotten,

I just wanted to make you proud.

"Im sorry I cant be perfect."

Sorry that Im...Nothing.

Blow me away,

Wash me down...

Would that be better?

Better than seeing me,

hating me, from a distance,

and pretnding, acting when Im near...

just so you can smile.

Who said I didnt care...Why do you think I "act" that way?

How do people treat me?!

...

Lifes much easier if you...pretend your hollow,

things go right through...

But when my gaurd is down and reality hits me,

and I must realize that Im not hollow...

And that every word whispered,

yes, I heard it.

And every look,

yes, I saw them.

And every thought unmurmered,

yes,...I felt them.

And yes,...It Hurts...

Very much...

Tell the world,

The eccentric fake smiled girl,

Who Doesnt Care..

Has a Gosh Damn Heart!

And tell them-

She feels every sting you throw,

every "joke" you laugh,

and every behind-the-back-she'll-never-know word you say.

Tell the world-

That because of THEM...

I cry...

.

Dont keep me around,

if this is what your going to do to me...

I suffer deeply on the inside,

and guess which lovely soul is to blame...

I am too kind to hate,

but yes I shall frown,

DO I AT LEAST HAVE THAT RIGHT!?

...

Do I?

I hurt so bad,

so desperate for guidence,

Lord if there was a God...

Please, I am on my knees,

I BEG YOU...

Fix it...

Please...

Cure me...

At least help... them.

...Please, I cry more now than ever before.

The tears no longer crystalized,

but tainted red with such pain and resentment I feel.

So desperate am I, that I am settling for

Abusive Love,

But its love right?

Its something...

Beggers cants be choosers...

And a begger I am...

...

Why would God help trash,

much less look at it...

Im thrown,

in the trash,

into waste.

...

Gone,-

I wish...

AGH!!!!!!
WHAT TO DO!!!!?
I AM INSANE!
Away from going,

Im Gone!-

.

I AM-

LOST

mind incomplete,

in too deep,

never sober,

drunk with pain, sorrows, depression

from deep impressions

-

(Complain that I lie, change and make up stories,

and that I never "open up".

Well is this what you wanted to hear?

This is what I have to tell-

Now you wish you hadnt asked...)

Too Damn Late! YOU got me started...Now

I Must-

finish.

-

Suicide-

Do you see that stupid little mark on my arm?

Its a reminder of how much more stupider I am,

a permenant constant reminder of just how SCREWED UP

I am...

Are you Happy World-?

You know now...

The story of a lost and deadly soul-

The Story of a Fucked Up Girl...

(To Be Continued...)

((Because life has only started and my sufferings have only JUST begun-))

(((I havnt tried hanging, or a gun it may just [most likely will] be less painful...)))

((((I think it is...hmm...))))

*Dont look*

*Monster in the Making*

*Dont help*

*Soul that is Gone*

...hopeless...

How I might just Kill you~

I am the knife,

and your heart I shall stab-

Less you move far enough away from me.

I do not wish to hurt you,

although I know I confuse you.

I dont want to abuse you, but I unkowingly can scar you.

I may not be the sharpest, or the cleanest one around.

But I can be just as deadly, if not deadlier as any other in the mound.

I know that what I say is wrong,

but i TRULY mean no harm.

I am a blade, two sided,

and each side equal to the eye on the outside,

but truly each side is quite diffrent.

So please as I speak do not choose to flip me over,

for what may happen I cant control,

Im just quiet not that sober-

To consiously make right decicions.

So I am,...I am twisied,

and just down right demented.

But I wish not to hurt you,

therefor I must warn you...

I am Death-

And as I sleep...-

You are my current target...

.

(Please forgive me)

Hmph.

Funny.

When I look back, and think back..

How my innonce, I [now] consider stupidty.

Because theres just so damn much of it,

and its rediculous,

Cuz im not blind.

I Dont Care...

I Dont Care,

Then why am I so hurt every time you[/they] say that?

I Dont Care,

Then why would I be writting this?

[All this???]

If I Dont Care...

My Wall

The wall I built,
I took down,
for you, I let my gaurd down.

How do you repay me?

Once I let everyone in,

Someone, a spy, an insider,

Tore it down,

Me down.

Destroyed all I had worked for,

Killed all I strived so hard to protect,

Did what I dreaded.

For you, I took it down,

ALL Down

and with you I cried, for you I cried,

Now, becuase of you...I died.

Emptied...

Now I rebuild my wall, again, this time

Taller

and

Stronger.

No cracks left unsealed, no hole left opened.

Never again will I make that mistake...

Never.

I

Refuse

to be

Abused

again.

.

No more times. Ones too many. But Ive had twenty.

I draw the line for i dont know how much "stonger" or tougher I can become.

So Never Again...

no more...Please.

Im a Horrible...

Im a Horrible Person,

Its chizled in my mind,

Hammered into my soul,

Like a duncecap I must carry,

Like a sign around my neck,

I am a Horrible Person.

.

Little things adding up,

Make the greater picture.

All those little sins, that arent major,

Sooner or later add up to make he bigger sin.

Ive had to many little ones...

Now the guilt is much greater,

Horrible...

.

Im not a good person.

Not a good daughter,

Not a good friend,

Not a good student,

Not a good girlfriend,

Not a good musician,

Not a good singer,

Not a good dancer, artist, writer/poet, lyricist,

Not a good ANYTHING!!!

Im just...not a good person...

Im Horrible Person.

What hurts most, is not being a good

Family member/Daughter or a good friend.

.

Im Sorry,

That im not the best person,

Im sorry,

That I dont do better, Sorry that I cant.

What goes on around me helps build the person that I am today,

Not only what happens to me but what happens to others.

I feel it all, Deeply.

And it can change a person, it builds me to be who I am...

And Im sorry that its a Horrible Person.

It's what I know,

and have come to learn is true,

None can tell me otherwise...

I AM a Horrible Person...

.

Im a Horrible Person.