Heres A truth...

Im way too tired

to pretending...

I just can no longer

lie...

to satisfy your needs...

Here you go, I "OPENED UP"

Hopeless,

Meaningless,

Forgotten,

I just wanted to make you proud.

"Im sorry I cant be perfect."

Sorry that Im...Nothing.

Blow me away,

Wash me down...

Would that be better?

Better than seeing me,

hating me, from a distance,

and pretnding, acting when Im near...

just so you can smile.

Who said I didnt care...Why do you think I "act" that way?

How do people treat me?!

...

Lifes much easier if you...pretend your hollow,

things go right through...

But when my gaurd is down and reality hits me,

and I must realize that Im not hollow...

And that every word whispered,

yes, I heard it.

And every look,

yes, I saw them.

And every thought unmurmered,

yes,...I felt them.

And yes,...It Hurts...

Very much...

Tell the world,

The eccentric fake smiled girl,

Who Doesnt Care..

Has a Gosh Damn Heart!

And tell them-

She feels every sting you throw,

every "joke" you laugh,

and every behind-the-back-she'll-never-know word you say.

Tell the world-

That because of THEM...

I cry...

.

Dont keep me around,

if this is what your going to do to me...

I suffer deeply on the inside,

and guess which lovely soul is to blame...

I am too kind to hate,

but yes I shall frown,

DO I AT LEAST HAVE THAT RIGHT!?

...

Do I?

I hurt so bad,

so desperate for guidence,

Lord if there was a God...

Please, I am on my knees,

I BEG YOU...

Fix it...

Please...

Cure me...

At least help... them.

...Please, I cry more now than ever before.

The tears no longer crystalized,

but tainted red with such pain and resentment I feel.

So desperate am I, that I am settling for

Abusive Love,

But its love right?

Its something...

Beggers cants be choosers...

And a begger I am...

...

Why would God help trash,

much less look at it...

Im thrown,

in the trash,

into waste.

...

Gone,-

I wish...

AGH!!!!!!
WHAT TO DO!!!!?
I AM INSANE!
Away from going,

Im Gone!-

.

I AM-

LOST

mind incomplete,

in too deep,

never sober,

drunk with pain, sorrows, depression

from deep impressions

-

(Complain that I lie, change and make up stories,

and that I never "open up".

Well is this what you wanted to hear?

This is what I have to tell-

Now you wish you hadnt asked...)

Too Damn Late! YOU got me started...Now

I Must-

finish.

-

Suicide-

Do you see that stupid little mark on my arm?

Its a reminder of how much more stupider I am,

a permenant constant reminder of just how SCREWED UP

I am...

Are you Happy World-?

You know now...

The story of a lost and deadly soul-

The Story of a Fucked Up Girl...

(To Be Continued...)

((Because life has only started and my sufferings have only JUST begun-))

(((I havnt tried hanging, or a gun it may just [most likely will] be less painful...)))

((((I think it is...hmm...))))

*Dont look*

*Monster in the Making*

*Dont help*

*Soul that is Gone*

...hopeless...

How I might just Kill you~

I am the knife,

and your heart I shall stab-

Less you move far enough away from me.

I do not wish to hurt you,

although I know I confuse you.

I dont want to abuse you, but I unkowingly can scar you.

I may not be the sharpest, or the cleanest one around.

But I can be just as deadly, if not deadlier as any other in the mound.

I know that what I say is wrong,

but i TRULY mean no harm.

I am a blade, two sided,

and each side equal to the eye on the outside,

but truly each side is quite diffrent.

So please as I speak do not choose to flip me over,

for what may happen I cant control,

Im just quiet not that sober-

To consiously make right decicions.

So I am,...I am twisied,

and just down right demented.

But I wish not to hurt you,

therefor I must warn you...

I am Death-

And as I sleep...-

You are my current target...

.

(Please forgive me)

Hmph.

Funny.

When I look back, and think back..

How my innonce, I [now] consider stupidty.

Because theres just so damn much of it,

and its rediculous,

Cuz im not blind.

I Dont Care...

I Dont Care,

Then why am I so hurt every time you[/they] say that?

I Dont Care,

Then why would I be writting this?

[All this???]

If I Dont Care...

My Wall

The wall I built,
I took down,
for you, I let my gaurd down.

How do you repay me?

Once I let everyone in,

Someone, a spy, an insider,

Tore it down,

Me down.

Destroyed all I had worked for,

Killed all I strived so hard to protect,

Did what I dreaded.

For you, I took it down,

ALL Down

and with you I cried, for you I cried,

Now, becuase of you...I died.

Emptied...

Now I rebuild my wall, again, this time

Taller

and

Stronger.

No cracks left unsealed, no hole left opened.

Never again will I make that mistake...

Never.

I

Refuse

to be

Abused

again.

.

No more times. Ones too many. But Ive had twenty.

I draw the line for i dont know how much "stonger" or tougher I can become.

So Never Again...

no more...Please.

Im a Horrible...

Im a Horrible Person,

Its chizled in my mind,

Hammered into my soul,

Like a duncecap I must carry,

Like a sign around my neck,

I am a Horrible Person.

.

Little things adding up,

Make the greater picture.

All those little sins, that arent major,

Sooner or later add up to make he bigger sin.

Ive had to many little ones...

Now the guilt is much greater,

Horrible...

.

Im not a good person.

Not a good daughter,

Not a good friend,

Not a good student,

Not a good girlfriend,

Not a good musician,

Not a good singer,

Not a good dancer, artist, writer/poet, lyricist,

Not a good ANYTHING!!!

Im just...not a good person...

Im Horrible Person.

What hurts most, is not being a good

Family member/Daughter or a good friend.

.

Im Sorry,

That im not the best person,

Im sorry,

That I dont do better, Sorry that I cant.

What goes on around me helps build the person that I am today,

Not only what happens to me but what happens to others.

I feel it all, Deeply.

And it can change a person, it builds me to be who I am...

And Im sorry that its a Horrible Person.

It's what I know,

and have come to learn is true,

None can tell me otherwise...

I AM a Horrible Person...

.

Im a Horrible Person.

Irrational...

Irrational,

Quick Thinking,

[too] Fast Moving,

Irrational,

[semi-] levelheaded,

Crazy,

Girl who always seem to move quicker than she can think.

Always saying what she doesn't mean.

Irrational and Explosive.

Irrational and Constantly Confused.

Constantly guilty and Constantly paying,

for things I always do,

Never learn, but always pay.

Apologizing, and pleading.

A girl who never knows when to stop,

I'm Sorry,

I'm Irrational.

How can You...

How can you just enter back in my life,
and expect me to be ok?
How can you just play with someones heart, and toy wit their soul,
and expect them to be fine?
How can you, just do that for a living,
and not expect that people will get mad or sad?
How?!?!?
How can you do that?
How can you be like that, thought you were smarter HA!
Guess not,
thought you ACTUALLY knew how to make it through, but you know nothing...
Because then you would've....you wouldn't be how you are....were?
Just, How could you?

Tear me out,

tear me apart.

Crashing,

crush me.

Burning,

put me out.

Dying,

finish the job...

.

Save me,

no, kill me.